What a weekend!! It was not what I was expecting from the Lord. But really the Lord always surprises me and keeps me on my toes. About 5 minutes after I launched my website “Me, Myself, and I AM” I came under major attack from Satan. ALL kinds of confusion, doubts, anxieties, and fears plagued my entire being. Thoughts like, “Oh no my whole life is out there now for all to see. What have I done?”, “What if people hate it and post harsh and condemning comments?”, “What if people love it and make comments that inflate my ego and I become prideful?”, etc. The Lord showed me that this was indeed a dangerous path He was leading me down as I could allow people’s negative and positive comments to destroy me and my trust in Him. I noticed that the desire to check my stats and the blog for comments was overwhelming. I could not be present with my family and I was starting to feel physically ill, with a headache, nausea and the likes. Without hesitation I asked my husband, Rob, to please block my access to the blog on our main computer on the weekends and on my IPOD for good. I knew I needed to put boundaries in to safeguard my heart, mind and soul from the enemies (Satan and my fallen nature) as I know myself and I can easily become obsessed with the blog, checking it constantly. Even after Rob blocked my access I struggled with horrible thoughts and feelings until Sunday at 2:00 pm.
I was reminded of many things this past weekend, all of which strengthened my faith and the truths the Lord has buried deep within my soul. I wrestled with Satan for a while until the Lord reminded me that He was indeed allowing me to be tested. There is a lot of consolation in knowing that even in these difficult times the Lord is leading me, teaching me and strengthening me. That He has a purpose for it.
On Friday night while Rob was putting Alexis to sleep and Madison was upstairs in her bedroom with a friend I prayed and I cried hard. I put on Kari Jobe and melted in the truth of her songs. The Garden (Deluxe Edition) I begged Jesus to help me, to take away my doubt, my confusion, my fear, my anxieties. For 30 minutes I begged Jesus to come back to me. You see as soon as I made the blog public and shared it with people it was as if Jesus left me. I could no longer sense Him. It was as if the veil thickened and I was left in darkness. I have felt Jesus’ constant presence for a couple months now and so this freaked me out. Despite all my efforts to get Jesus to show up, He didn’t. All of a sudden out of no where I prayed to God my Father and asked the Holy Spirit to come in power. I rarely do this as I most always pray to Jesus. He is my go to. My spouse. And I feel most comfortable talking to Him. But as soon as I prayed to God my Father and the Holy Spirit peace came upon me and my mind was opened. I understood that I really do need all 3 for the journey. I now know deep inside that it cannot just be about Jesus. Even Jesus, when He walked this earth, needed His Father and the Holy Spirit. They are ONE GOD and to treat them any differently is disrespectful, especially at this point in my journey. It always has to be the Holy Trinity!! I knew this intellectually before but now my soul knows it. As PEACE overtook me I looked around my living room and noticed there are 5 pictures of Jesus and nothing to honor God the Father or the Holy Spirit. I am now on the hunt for a picture of the Holy Trinity so I can proudly display it in the living room. Forgive me God for disrespecting Your perfect unity and focusing on only one aspect of You. Help me to always see You in Your fullness for You can not be separated or made less than You are. Bring me into the Love of the Holy Trinity so I may forever be lost in it. Amen.
Rob, Madison, her friend, and I watched a movie that night and then I went to bed. The following day, Saturday, was okay. I was still not completely free from attack though. I continued battling with different horrible thoughts and feelings all day. I had less patience with my family and was starting to be snappy with them. I distracted myself by going for a walk with my mom and sister. This seemed to help but it was just a distraction not a fix for my turmoil. By the time night came along I was exhausted. My eyes burned and I could barely keep them open. I was so happy when I crawled into bed that night, ready to sleep hard. Little did I know sleep was not going to happen. I went to bed at 11:30 pm and at 5:00 am I finally fell asleep after taking Gravol (an anti-nausea medication that always puts me to sleep). When I went to bed at 11:30 I came under complete attack. This time I was tempted to complete distrust in God`s Divine Providence. I battled so hard for 4 1/2 hours that at 4:00 am I got put of bed so nauseous and in pain that I had to take Tylenol and Gravol. As I sat on the couch I continued the battle in my mind. I was trying so hard to figure things out on my own. I was trying to discern what was right and wrong in a personal situation that is currently happening in my life. I researched and read both sides of the issue for hours, which is what made me sick. At around 5:00 I went back to bed as the Gravol kicked in and I was falling asleep. I did fall asleep but it was a restless sleep. At around 10:00 am I woke up and began to pray for clarification, for relief from this attack, and from myself. After an hour the Lord did give me clarification and relief. He did not give me the answer to my dilemma but reminded me to TRUST IN HIM!!
Ah, how quickly I forget this foundational truth. This is exactly what the issue was. Not my dilemma but my lack of trust in God. I was trying to figure out what was right and wrong on my own! I was eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil! It is a facade, we do not have that knowledge unless wisdom is given to us by the Holy Spirit. If this wisdom is not given then God does not want me to have it in that moment. When the time comes for me to know what it is I should do then the Holy Spirit will reveal it to me. Until that time my one job is to trust God and offer up all my suffering to Him. God’s ways are not our ways and often times we think the struggles we have could not possibly come from God. But they do!! They all do!! There is nothing that happens to us without God’s approval, even attacks from Satan. The only thing that God does not will is sin but even that we do not have to fret about because “we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose”. Romans 8:28. Yes even sin. God is all powerful. He can do anything. Ah, I finally felt true PEACE and I slept hard for another 3 hours. When I woke up at 2:00 pm on Sunday I felt renewed, refreshed and stronger. Stronger in truth and in faith. This won’t be the last attack or test but each time I go through this I will become stronger and more like Jesus. Before I fell peacefully asleep that Sunday morning at 11:00 am I prayed,”My Lord and my God, allow this truth to become who I am so that I no longer have to remember it. This truth will be who I am. The Truth and I will be one and I will walk confidently and without fear putting out the arrows of the evil one. Bring me to a place in the journey where evil can no longer touch me. I surrender everything to You Lord, including the blog. It is Yours and I trust that You will do with it as You please. I trust that You will lead people to it who need it and will benefit from it. Jesus, I trust in You”. Amen.
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